Monday, April 10, 2006

Sam the Meat Man

"Hi, I'm Sam Neill. You may remember me from such films as 'The Zookeeper' and 'Monster Lizards Send Humans Down the Foodchain'. As I'm clearly qualified to talk about animals and food, I' m here to tell you that red meat is good for you. At least that's what Meat and Livestock Australia are paying me to say, and no one knows their product better than they do!

"You see, eating red meat has made us what we are today. Or so some anthropologists and archaeologists and nutritionists think. It's all thanks to red meat that we came down from the trees and evolved from repulsive apes into the fine specimen of Anglo-Saxon manhood you see before you. Allow me to demonstrate...

"Since we started on meat two million years ago, our brains have tripled in size. Just take it from a regular bloke like me. I may be a celebrity, but look, I'm having dinner with this wholesome suburban family. And I'm wearing jeans and other hard-yakka gear, as all real men do. Not like those loony left-wing celebrities, such as this ditzy young singer here. They're not evil, just ignorant and misguided. Because they don't eat red meat.

"So remember, boys and girls: red meat makes you feel good. After all, isn't that what living is all about?"

Footnote 1

Those who still don't believe truth is stranger than fiction, see if you can tell which of the following quotes is from referenced-Simpsons episode and which is 'real' -
"Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about!"

"Who in the name of all things holy and unholy is Missy Higgins, and does she realize that her little porcine friend would kill her when it's fully grown?"
The real one comes from VeryAntiPETA, another website devoted to beating up on non-conformists.

Footnote 2

When not busy helping out primary producers, Sam's been reading scripts for Jurassic Park IV. Steven Spielberg says it'll be so good, he wishes it were the third movie and not the fourth one. Oh, and he won't be directing it...

Footnote 3 (11 April)

Flicked on Channel Ten at six tonight and what did I see? Troy McClure smiling back at me. Call it coincidence that Lisa the Vegetarian screens the day after this post, if you like. I'm taking it as an omen...


Anonymous said...

Are you a rascist?

John Lee said...

no, I just have a sense of humour.

But can you see an Aussie meat company using Jet Li or Chow Yun Fat to advertise?

jomama said...


Piggie, any way it comes.